American Pie Movie Quotes

Quotes from American Pie

American Pie was the spring board for a lot of awesome actors about 10 years ago. Like Jason Biggs, Tara Reid, Shannon Elizabeth, Alyson Hannigan, Seann William Scott, and more. Ok, I won't just blow over it... Yes, I said 10 years ago! What I really meant was 11 years ago! You're ass is old. Get used to it. Enjoy the quotes!

Jim Quotes

Jim (played by Jason M. Biggs)-

• I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed.
• She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool! 
• Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!
• What exactly does third base feel like?
• McDonald's or homemade?
• Please God... let this be it.
• What I am going to do? Broadcast her over the internet?

Steve Stifler Quotes

Stifler (played by Seann William Scott)-

• I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking USE them!
• I'll see you guys tonight, in the 'No Fucking Section', right?
• Hey, Kev, seen shit break lately?
• You have an Eastern European chick, naked in your house... and you're not going to do anything about it?

Michelle Flaherty Quotes

Michelle "Band Camp" Flaherty (played by Alyson Hannigan)-

• What's my name? Say my name, bitch!
• This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy!
• What? You think I don't know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is... sex-ed. So are we gonna screw soon, 'cuz I'm getting kind of antsy!

Jim's Dad (Mr. Levenstein) Quotes

Jim's Dad (played by Eugene Levy)-

• I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of...
  [hesitates] masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud...
  [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.
• [Talk about masturbation with Jim] It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game. It's not a game. What you want is a partner to return the ball.
• We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all.
• Now, do you know what a clitoris is?

Nadia Quotes

Nadia (played by Shannon Elizabeth)-

• I believe 'shaved' is the expression.
• Jim! Shame on you...
• [to Sherman]I..am lucky lady?!

Paul Finch Quotes

Paul Finch (Shit Break) (played by Eddie Kaye Thomas)-

• God bless the internet
• He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves.
• [responding to Stifler's mom's question on seduction] Yes ma'am I am.
• That is what the creatons drink, I'm talking about alcohol. Liquor. The good stuff.
• Ah, hey Stifler!

Other American Pie Quotes

• Suck me beautiful. -Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher
• It's not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX. -Jessica
• Like warm apple pie. -Chris 'Oz' Ostreicher
• Aged eighteen years. The way I like it. -Stifler's Mom (milf)
  
• You've never double-clicked your mouse? -Jessica
• If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed. -Kevin

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The Aristocrats | Number Three Comedy of All Time

The Aristocrats (2005) -

A man walks into a talent agency and says "Man, have I got an act for you..." Less than interested, the seasoned agent glances up at the prospect. "OK..." he grants the man an audience. The man begins "First I walk out onto the stage, with box of bandages, a canoe paddle, and movie ticket..."

The Aristocrats is quiet possibly the funniest movie you've never seen. The premise of the film, is a documentation of 100 comedians, telling the same joke. The same crass, dirty, lude, profane, vial, wonderful, and hilarious joke.

The goal? Construct the middle of the joke as originally as possible, leaving only the beginning and punchline intact. The best part of this joke? The end is pretty much anti-climactic. It is a classic! It has been deemed as comedic right passage. This joke is described as a sort of secret handshake, between comedians.

This film has a slew of comedy greats! A few of my favorites range from Sarah Silverman, to Bob Saget, to Andy Dick. There is even Billy the Mime who acts the joke out in silence for several hilarious minutes.

The cast (according to DVD jacket) includes:  "Jason Alexander, Hank Azaria, Lewis Black, Drew Carey, George Carlin, Billy Connolly, Andy Dick, Phyllis Diller (Awesome!), Whoopi Goldberg, Gilbert Gottfried, Eric Idle, Bill Maher, Howie Mandel, Penn & Teller, Paul Reiser, Bob Saget, Sarah Silverman, The Smothers Brothers, Jon Stewart and 80 more of your favorite comedians!"

"You'll laugh till it hurts!"
-Rolling Stone


"Obscene, disgusting, vulgar and vile. ....might be the funniest movie you'll ever see!"
-The Hollywood Reporter

Bad Santa | Number Two Comedy of All Time

My number two comedy of all time is Bad Santa (2003). Well, Badder Santa if you want to get technical. I love this DVD! You can watch your reruns of It's Wonderful Life on TV all you want. Maybe you like those claymation elves and Santa. My style? Give me Billy Bob Thornton, John Ritter, Lauren Graham, Bernie Mac, and Tony Cox for my Christmas movie choice.

Bad Santa was also the last film John Ritter ever acted in before he passed away in September of 2003. He played the nervous and bumbling Bob Chipeska in this film. Although, not known for his dark comedy, I think Ritter did an excellent job portraying a nerd in this movie. This role helped the story line move along.

Coincidentally, it is also one of the final films Bernie Mac acted in before he died in 2008. Mac plays Gin, a loss-prevention manager gone extortionist. Honestly, when it comes to Bernie, I'd rather pass. The only time I have found Bernie's comedy remotely funny, was his stand up on Kings of Comedy! "I want some milk n' cookies!"

In my opinion, Billy Bob Thornton is genius! Pure, unabashed, true genius. Comedy gold. He plays an alcoholic thief named Willie, who simply can't get his life together. He hates children, yet he is plagued with them jumping in his lap and making a mess of him.

This movie is everything I want out of a comedy. The unapologetic crassness of this particular picture bumps it all the way to number two on my list of the best comedies of all time! It journeys into my realm of my particular, loved sense of humor. You don't see comedy flicks that are so real. Everyone is flawed, and swears excessively. The writing and insults are also insanely witty. Classic!

• Willie - Played by Billy Bob Thornton. Willie is the main character in Bad Santa. Willie is a has been... rather, a never was. Willie, a chronic alcoholic, has a knack for cracking safes. His lofty aspirations are those of opening a bar on a beach, and maybe marrying a waitress. An unlikely father figure, Willie (or Santa) finds himself squatting at Thurman Merman's (a.k.a. the kid), family residence."Is granny spry?" Turn on's for Willie (I'd imagine) are strong drinks, strip clubs, & scratch-it's. Turn off's: Bob Chipeska and "Shit-ass Mexico."
  


• Bob Chipeska - Played by John Ritter. Bob is a very nervous, spectacle adorned individual. He apparently does the hiring for the Christmas mall Santas and Santa's helper positions. Bob is not a very big fan of Willie and Marcus. Chipeska makes sure to keep a very watchful eye on the duo's every movement. He also finds himself extremely uncomfortable with little people, sausage fingers, and anal sex with large women.
  


• Sue the Bar Tender -Played by Lauren Graham. As a bar tender with an affinity for men in Santa suits, Lauren Graham is not the same Gilmore girl you are used to. Especially after watching her mount Santa in the front seat of his busted whip, then again in the hot tub with spry granny passed out in the recliner not far off. She has some deep seeded, childhood-tied attraction to Santa Clause. Sue helps Willie and Thurman throughout their wayward journey.
  


• Gin - Played by Bernie Mac. I gave most of the details for Mac's character in the intro to this post. Gin's role in Bad Santa is the mall's loss prevention manager. A lot of Mac's interactions take place in the office with Bob Chipeska. As he learns the truth of Willie and Marcus's motives, he approaches them with an offer they can not refuse. Literally, they can't. Not even if they wanted to. Luckily for Willie and Marcus he doesn't want to change their system. He just wants a taste. "Half..."


• Marcus -Played by Tony Cox. "We are men... and Louis. We get the shit." Marcus is the mastermind behind the Bad Santa and Elf operation. Due to his physical attributes, Marcus has carved out a niche in mall thievery. Motivated by greed, and pushed by his unholy significant other, he cracks the proverbial whip on Willie. Another roll he plays in the operation, is case the joint. He learns the layout of the mall, and disarms the alarms. With a fowl mouth and bad attitude, you couldn't design a better movie character. Could you? Go ahead and try. "Sketch it up Leonardo!"

Dumb & Dumber | Number One Comedy of All Time

Biztone's Number One Comedy of All Time

Dumb & Dumber (1994)

Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels created the one of the best comedic films of all time. This movie is one that I can literally quote, line for line, from the beginning to the very end. Classic!

While I know, many will argue that Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) is funniest film of all time... that film doesn't even make my list. I actually don't even find that movie even slightly funny. I know... shocker.

Dumb & Dumber is the number one comedy... no, number one MOVIE of my adolescent years. My middle school best friend and I must have watched that movie over 100 times. No joke, seriously like over 100 times. I'm talking about every 11 days for three years. "I like it... I like it a lot."

Over the years, I have bonded with new friends over Dumb & Dumber. In fact, one friend and I, always greet each other with quotes from Dumb & Dumber. "I got worms!"

The film is genius for it's lines, quotes, and writing. Peter Farrelly, Bobby Farrelly, and Bennett Yellin wrote possibly the funniest movies of all time. With their creative talents, they gave birth to some of the all time great movie quotes!

The Main Dumb & Dumber Cast:

• Lloyd Christmas: Played by Jim Carrey. Lloyd opens the film as a limo driver. He is the first to meet Mary Swanson.... slippy, slappy, swimmy... Maybe it's on the briefcase! Lloyd has aspirations of opening a worm farm called "I've got worms," and going some place he knows somebody who can plug him into the social pipeline. He plays a part of lovestruck fool, who travels across the country to return a love memento to the girl of his dreams. A girl who gives him that old fashion feeling.
  



• Harry Dunne: Played by Jeff Daniels. Harry is the owner and operator of the shaggin' wagon (chicks dig it). He runs a mobile K9 (dogs... for the late person) grooming business Mutt Cuts out of it. Harry is the room mate, the best friend, and the would-be business partner of Lloyd Christmas. Harry is the co-pilot on the cross country trek to return the Swanson briefcase. While not all the way on board with the impromptu expedition at first, Harry finds himself smitten with Mary later on in the film. While he struggles with his best friend morals, Harry finds himself taking Lloyd's girl out in Aspen Colorado ("Mmmm.... California, beautiful!")
  



• Mary Swanson: Played by Lauren Holly. Mary is the film's inspiration for the road trip. Mary is introduced by hiring Lloyd to drive her to the airport in a limo. "If I know her, like I think I do, Mary should invite us right in for tea and strumpets!" As Mary flys off to Aspen, she seemingly forgets her briefcase in the airport! What a big goof! What do you think the chance of that are? Not good? Not good like one out of a hundred?
  



• Nicholas Andre: Played by Charles Rocket. Nicholas Andre is the villain of this film. While Andre and his cronies find Lloyd and Harry to be a pair of odd ducks... he does not think that they are Dumb & Dumber. He thinks that they are good. Real good. Andre holds Mary's husband ransom, while his two henchman work on recovering the briefcase full of money. "Husband? What was all that one in a million talk?" Anyway, Nicholas... we have plenty of towels... thanks.
  



• Kick his ass Sea Bass!: Played by Cam Neely. Not having a huge role in the movie, this man has been immortalized! He has to be mentioned. Sea Bass is a diner regular. Just laid back country folk as Lloyd would describe. While having an apparent strong appetite for ass kicking and a flair for trucker clothes...(believe me, I would never do anything to offend a man of his size!) Sea Bass is not a big fan of Harry and Lloyd. Although, he can't be all that bad. He did buy the boys a delicious meal after all. His hat is usually a fun trivia topic. It reads: "Wine 'em, Dine 'em, 69 'em." Look for Sea Bass in country diners and gas station restrooms across America. For manly love... be there... March 25th at 2:15am sharp!
  

The Hangover (2009)

The Hangover (2009)

Comedy Film of the Year! The Hangover took over box offices as of late! According to Yahoo!, The Hangover dominated the box offices this weekend.

The Hangover has mixed reviews from critics and movie goers a like. One thing is undeniable however, The Hangover will leave you woozy. Gut-busting jokes, funny songs, and crazy situations from beginning to end.

The Hangover focuses on the Groom's party taking a Las Vegas Road trip for the bachelor party. Once in Vegas, the group checks in to their hotel and has a roof top toast to the groom. Flash forward to the next morning. Headaches, mysteries, and a missing groom! Now the gang must puzzle the pieces of the previous night together to find their boy... one problem, they can't remember a damn thing!

Bradley Cooper does a great job Phil Wenneck. He is a school teacher who needs to get away from his students and family (wife and kids) for the weekend. He's rude and crude. Everything you could want from a groomsman.

Ed Helms, who you might recognize from NBC's hit The Office, plays your average whipped-pushover. His character Stu price needs nothing more than to get away from his agro girlfriend for a weekend in Vegas... um, if that's ok with her. He's the safe, level headed one... and as might guess, has a really hard time on this trip.

Zach Galifianakis plays Alan Garner. Brother of the bride. Alan is simply a blanket, some food, a park, two hungry people, and a picnic basket... shy of a picnic. HE'S NUTS! Galifianakis will probably see a lot more lead roles from this movie. Think Vince Vaughen, Owens Brothers, Will Ferrell type of movies. Although, according to IMD, Galifianakis has very extensive resume of being behind the camera! His character Alan Garner will have you laughing until you cry... well, either that, or completely confused.

Justin Bartha plays the groom, Doug Billings. I most recognize this actor from his work in National Treasure, opposite of Nicholas Cage. Although, he doesn't get a lot of face time in The Hangover, due to the fact that he is the missing groom... you can't help but love him. He's the quiet, appreciative, non-judgemental friend of the rag-tag group.

Rachel Harris plays Melissa, controlling girlfriend of Stu. She's rude, controlling, unfaithful, and obsessive. She does a great job of making you hate her in this film.

There is a lot of other talent that pulls this film together, but an extra special mention goes out to Ken Jeong! I won't give anything away about his character, Mr. Chow... but if you've seen the film, you'll know what I am talking about. He's been visible on the film scene lately, most notable from Role Models and Knocked Up.